The normally serene campus of De Anza college in Cupertino, California (south of San Francisco) was thrown into turmoil today as three ducks went “fucking wild,” apparently driven to violent behavior by eating burrito scraps left on a table in the main quad.

One woman, who asked to remain anonymous, described it like this: “I was sitting on a bench reading Dostoevsky when I heard quacking and flapping. I looked up just in time to see three ducks, in a V formation, coming straight at my head.

“I whipped my head back and to the side as they flew past me. They were close enough that I smelled them. And let me tell you, they did not smell very good.”

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